Fuck. I just now realized the implications of starting to post to blog again. I have to hold my thoughts back, yet again, because I'll end up angering people in the end. Or because there's something personal, not only about me, but about someone else, that they probably didn't want revealed to the rest of the world. Fuck fuck fuck... I don't want to go back and bother to edit posts again. Just a few quick edits.

If you find something in here that you didn't appreciate me mentioning, let me know. I hate it when other people talk behind my back as well. The intention of this blog isn't to talk behind people's backs or hurt them or reveal something secret about them. It's to show me and my faults, not theirs. If you see a problem with that, you know... ASAP.

Journal entry

Really, it's Sep.13 already. I'm writing this up as a late supplement.

I've not been blogging, because of a written journal I've started keeping. I'd love to end up uploading it, just not now. I've got a 60mb PDF file of it all scanned already. I don't feel like transcribing it all, though. Here's a couple good ones, though:


Sep.02.2003 10:54p

We know we're both thinking and sounding different now. It was weird when we both admitted it. We're not the love-ish romantic types, for sure.

Well, I've been under the weather with a little sore throat. Hoping to see the sun come out soon.

Still, to this moment, I'd rather be back there on Saturday. Right now, nothing to that point mattered as much, and not much after has. I think I've found a sort of significance to life.

It's gotten sooo old after telling everyone about Saturday. I almost forget the feeling. Then, I take a time out, imagine her in my arms, holding hands, talking in that dimly-lit gazebo.

It's so sappy it can't be me. You can't say it without sounding that way. It's like... At that moment, there was this comfortability and warmth all mixed with uncertainty and general shyiness or fear. At the Botanical Gardens--how much more romantic does it get?

Saturday, September 13. Septemberfest at my school. I already planned for it. Now I'm torn. We want to meet up with each other again.

Flipping through the MSA Notebook/Journal, I realized just now, how much I've written about love and why I write. Recap:

July 8, 10pm

  • "It's less of a public log of "what I'm doing" as much as a public showing of a private journal. Kurt Cobain's journal, Hitler's Mein Kampf, etc... They're all quite popular. If I ever impact the world years from now, will it matter to people what I was thinking about some dark, dreary evening? I don't care. My dad has a terrible memory of stuff earlier in the week. I wanna keep thoughts for posterity."

July 10, 12:41a

  • "(I've had 2 bottles of beer, and I should really be going to sleep right now.)

    "Love, I say, should be looked at vageuly. Not in solely the "love at first sight" sense or the romantic "true love" sense, but different levels of love, like caring for someone/something or being emotionally attached to someone/something."

July 12, 11pm

  • "Once again, let me say: I'm a dreamer. Even on short 30min car trips, I find myself zoning out and contemplating deeper things. (Most obvious example: love.)

    "Haven't experienced it, haven't really seen "true love", but I think the world needs more of this thing called "love". Does it even exist? How is it defined?"

July 31, 8:49am

  • "Anyway, love for me became these simple things. It's on a basic level, but I think it counts.
    1. Being comfortable around the person.
    2. Respect and a liking for the person.
    3. Mutual caring or commitment to each other. (i.e. the needs/services relationship system) Or, a wanting of each other. This caring is defined only by your own situation and yourselves. "Care" is defined by yourself--it's a terribly subjective word.
    4. The relationship isn't instant. It's harbored over time. If it's right, it gets better over time, like wine.
    "After figuring that, love doesn't seem so deep and mysterious, really. It's a lot of comfortability, confidence, respect, needs/wants/care, and personality..."

August 2, 2am

  • "This comes from someone who hasn't had a real "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, ever. But I've observed enough, felt enough, heard enough, and thought enough about it, that I'm at least guessing. A bunch of my closest friends don't believe in love--zip, nada, zilch, zero, nothing. Some of them are even completely closing themselves off from even the chance that it exists. "It doesn't exist, I don't ever believe it'll happen, and I won't ever give into it (if it does)." On the other hand, I've got a friend who, over the summer whilst I was gone, found someone perfect for him, completely turning his life around. He's moving away pretty soon, and the thing just completey perfected his life...."

August 7, 3am

  • From the movie, "Adaptation":
    • "You are what you love. Not what loves you."
    "It's so awesome, brilliant, simple, and right. Think about it for a while. You know the kind of thing where people keep apologizing for some mistake or shortcoming, a mistake or such that you didn't even notice until it was brought up? Or where you try your hardest to be helpful and friendly, but no one pays any attention to it, and then finally someone tells you that they like what you're doing? If you keep on going on doing what you like/love, and just follow your own path, someone, I believe, should be out there that will appreciate it..."

Pure irony, that the more I thought of it, the more I never believed I'd have something like it at this point in my life. Right now, I'm matching my definition of love, to what I've been thinking as of late, to Merriam-Webster's definition...

My Definition on July 31

  1. Being comfortable around the person.
  2. Respect and a liking for the person.
  3. Mutual caring or commitment to each other. (i.e. the needs/services relationship system) Or, a wanting of each other. This caring is defined only by your own situation and yourselves. "Care" is defined by yourself--it's a terribly subjective word.
  4. The relationship isn't instant. It's harbored over time. If it's right, it gets better over time, like wine.

Merriam-Webster's Definition (only related ones):

(as a noun)

  1. (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties "maternal love for a child" (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests "love for his old schoolmates"
  2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion "love of the sea"
  3. the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration "baseball was his first love"
  4. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others

(as a verb)

  1. to hold dear : CHERISH
  2. a : to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1) : CARESS (2) : to fondle amorously (3) : to copulate with
  3. to like or desire actively : take pleasure in "loved to play the violin"
  4. to thrive in "the rose loves sunlight"

I haven't blogged or at least typed up thoughts in forever, so here's a chance to start something anew.

I can't sleep. I don't want to as long as I've got these thoughts in my head and an opportunity to do something with it.

I'm always concerned for her, because she's stressed and frustrated about school. I've got it so damn easy, that I also feel guilty that I can't say or do much to make her feel better, except for generalized statements or distractions from work. She's concerned for me because I'm the one that's driving, and it's all me and my family doing the work at the moment. She's guilty because she can't do anything about it at the moment, and she's concerned because of the risks involved with me driving down I-270 every weekend or so. And her parents won't drive her as often as my parents will.

She broke up with Andy, with little fanfare. (Except a little joking around from her friend Matt.) So we're kinda officially together now, I guess. I still can't believe that I'm the cause of this situation. Even though deep in my mind, I think I probably liked her first. Let's play upon that note.

Back at MSA, at the Alumni Day Dance, she was all excited to have Andy around and spend time with him. I let her have her time, and I was pretty contentious and respectful of them, I guess. Part of me was jealous or something. It's that part that envies someone who has something you want but can't have. Some sort of random thing struck my heart that night.

Later that week, we had the night under the rain, if I remember correctly. (Might have been the prior week.) Megan said she liked me kinda throughout MSA, but that was the one moment when it hit her, and she realized she liked me. I don't know when it hit me. But somehow, it only glazed the surface of me, and I avoided it as much as I could. I ended up liking her as a friend at the end of MSA, and we promised we'd keep in touch.

Boomba hey, a month and such later. Pre-reunion. I randomly brought up the idea that I could carpool some of us down to Columbia, because it'd be fun and conservative. Oh sure, we joked around about how she'd cuddle on my shoulder and whatnot. But that night, when she laid her head down on my shoulder and slept, and held my arm like a pillow of sorts.... Aye, that has to be probably the moment that it hit me that I liked her. She even recalls little things from that night, like how Kenny wanted to wake her up to call home because we were almost at the Zoo, and I was like "Nah, give her a little longer." She wasn't that asleep after all, eh? It's really odd because I didn't really think anything of it and forgot about it, until I spoke about that night with her. I really don't think anything of my politeness and caring kindness stuff; it's who I am, and I really don't notice, because on most occasions, I don't really go out of my way to do it.

Ramblings

The below two entries are a couple ramblings I posted on the MSA03 messageboards. I basically put them up when I didn't have a blog anymore. (Because the site was down.) It was completely random, and I regretted writing these up the day after I wrote them. But, I got a ton of positive feedback from them, which was really cool. That's all I've ever wanted from my blog. And I'm happy to say, the same effect was had through doing this over messageboard posts. A lot of reading is ahead. But already I can tell you that some people enjoyed these writings, so it may or may not be worth it.

Nightly Rambling Two: Social Life

Written August 10, on the MSA03 messageboard.

In my blog, I've written about this maybe once or twice. (My blog went offline a while ago, because the site went down. I don't have a permanent host so it's down, except for this little temporary setup.) It's been at the back of my head this entire year, though. Let's begin.

This is pretty personal, so some of you might not give a crap. Who cares? I feel like rambling. Some of you here might be exactly like me, some of you might be even less social, and some of you might be on the opposite end of the spectrum from me.

I'm not very social. Basically, I was traditionally one of those people that only talked to people that had a lot in common with me, or people I'd known for a long long time. Not really socializing with the rest, but interacting whenever I had to in class. Not a true "loner" in the sense of the word, but just isolating myself sorta.

Not many official extracirriculars. I mean, I did great schoolwork, but if I were to file a college application at the beginning of sophomore year, I dunno what the hell would be on it.

Never had a girlfriend in "official" terms. I mean, even at this point, the word for "friend" was sorta like, acquaintances I was comfortable with.

Well, I make it sound really bad because it's not my way of thinking anymore, so I can't really even relate to it. What I can say is that I was comfortable with it. Just kinda, empty, I guess. Told you I was a dreamer.

Anyway. My cousin and I were kinda in the same boat. We had a lot of _online_ friends, but we were damn sure that wasn't the same thing. I'd had some real good friends to back that up. Every time I was depressed, he'd somehow find some way his life was worse. Except for the fact that we were both non-social. Not "anti social"; that's two different things. Anti-social is being against it, and not wanting it completely. Non-social, to me, is being "kinda sorta, but not very much."

In pissed emails to me, my cousin always told me my life was better than his in every way. At one point I tricked myself into believing that. But there were some parts of my psyche that were depressed. Crap, I played video games, watched TV, and got on the computer 95% of my freetime.

Once again, that's exaggeration, because my memory's so darn crappy, and because I can't relate to my old ways of thinking. XD

My cousin. His life sucked. He was sorta depressed part of the time. We kept each other sane, but I didn't want to end up like him. I had to get my life into shape.

My coming out of the shell mostly started sophomore year--this past school year. Let me run through the fall-winter stuff:

  • I got my hair spikey for the first time on September 11, 2002. This was the first time I'd ever had my hair different in my whole life. I'd had the bowl cut or sorta parted bowl cut since forever. My hair kinda got bouncy/fuzzy/curly though, in the past year before I did this.
  • Started transitioning into my now-usual style of cargo pants and black, dark blue, or grey t-shirts. In September, I even wore various neckties "Avril Lavigne" style. Screw you all, Gwen Stefani was the first major artist to do it, and years ago, I might add.
  • Started getting into some extracirriculars.

Anyway, in December, I was doing okay. I live the Fall and Winter months with the blues mostly, because it's just the mood of the weather. There's something about being dark, moody, and alone that helps you find yourself, I guess. In a trip to Atlanta, I met the daughter of a friend of my dad's. She was pretty outgoing-ish, I guess. Didn't get to know her very well, but we really clicked fast, and that's something I'd never had happen socially. But it was a feeling I liked. I'll run through this point again later.

New Years. My dad and I drove back from Atlanta on New Year's Eve. We didn't get home until 11:30pm. I was in the car, somewhere in Kentucky or Illinois, on the phone with cousins on the east coast when it went down there. 2003: I wanted to get my life straightened out socially, and get my future and goals sorted out.

Funny that in December, a really beautiful song struck me randomly. "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence. You've all heard it by now. But in December and January, they were really relatively unknown still. In more recent months, this song became my theme for this subject.

February-March, buy tickets to the Evanescence and Linkin Park concerts. I bring my best friend to the Evanescence concert. He's even less outgoing as me. Whereas I e-mail, post on messageboards, chat, and IM with people online, he's gaming. All the time. Very little interaction with actual people. I really thought I should drag him along because it'd be cool for the both of us. This was probably one of the bigger social things I've done at random.

I had the guts to apply for NHS and I got in. Also, whilst all this was happening (from December up until this point) I also applied for MSA. And I had the GPML Math Competitions I was doing. (I made it to state at the last regional meet by some miracle, and also got into NHS and MSA the same week as state. Miracles, dumb luck, or I'm really that smart and I don't know.) The GPML was one of less than a handful of extracirricular activities my school had that would be good for my intellectual-ness.

During Spring Break, my family went down to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I got a chance to hook up with an online friend of mine. Yes indeed, I had the guts to meet someone I met online, in person. We'd known each other for about a year. She's about a year younger than me. Our families have too much in common. It was cool for us and our parents. My cousin was saying "I hope you just stand around, not talking, and have this akward moment like that." On leaving, there was this akward moment where we were on our way to our cars, and she and I kinda looked at each other, and walked past each other really slowly. It was one of those TERRIBLY CLICHE things in movies where you hear the mental voice over going "hug her" and she's going "hug him" and stuff. We didn't. We walked by, got into our cars, said final goodbyes, and left.

That feeling of having really clicked with someone. That's one of the feelings I learned to love. It feels like the idea of "soulmate" except taken down to a step of "good friend". Just having enough in common to get along quickly, or learning to get along quickly with each other. Part of that has to do with attitude, part of that has to do with how you think. Me being the person I am, I haven't had a lot of luck with that personally, at my school. I told you my school sucks. XD

At this point. My social life was a lot better. Two rock concerts, got to road trip to meet a friend from online, did a ton of stuff... Yeah, I think I was doing successful. My cousin on the other hand hadn't improved his life very much. My cousin blamed himself for me not hugging the friend, when I met her, even though he talked trash about an akward moment. He really envied the way I improved my life. Lemme quote this e-mail that's months old; he told me not to ever quote it, but he's forgiven me since anyway.

>The thing I hate about you most is your ability to completely change your life around.
>Your ability to commit to a singular task and follow through with it.
>Your ability to motivate yourself to accomplish your asinine goals.
>The fact that I'm the one who sparked this change in you.
>The fact that I'm the one who made you change your life for the better.
>The fact that everything's working out for you. In almost every sense.
etc.

Fine. I didn't want to end up like him, so I started changing my outwardness(?) or my something. (God, my train of thought sucks right now.) But what really inspired my change was that one person I'd met in Atlanta that I got along with quickly. Something like that. It almost felt like love, but I didn't know what love was.

Since that point, I've gone to MSA. I didn't talk to any other MSAers before then except for Amir from my school.

At MSA, everything went SO FAST. But, I realized my non-socialness was due to a fact that the majority of people around me were so ignorant of my positive attributes, and partially because I didn't do the same for them. Having a lot of people with a lot in common with you, and living pretty isolated from the outside world for a few weeks puts things into perspective.

Blah. I got sidetracked watching K-19, and IMing friends online whilst writing this. Well, I mentioned BMTL earlier, and I think I'll quote parts and verses that I think make it pefect as my theme for finding a new social foothold in the world.

"...Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb without a soul
my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home"

"wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before I come undone
save me from the nothing I've become"

"all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
i've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life"

Blah. I quote that too much. It used to be cooler when no one had heard of Evanescence or the song before.