Home Again

Back home from a long trip. I can talk details if you ever want a conversation.

It's amazing how comforting it is to sleep in my own bed again (I have a queen size bed to myself, heh) and to actually be wearing clean clothing and take a good shower in my bathroom.

But life's all the same at this point. There's a lot for me to do in my mind, especially before college comes up...

We'll see how it all goes. I've got some fun most likely in store tomorrow. Monday I'll most hopefully be seeing Sara at the airport as she gets back and then maybe spend some time with her and then sometime that day I'll have to drive my cousin Dana back to Columbia. I want to take the A+ Computer Technician Certification tests this week and the Network+ test next week. Dad wants to go on another vacation (long pointless road trip) in the beginning of July but the rest of the family doesn't want to; not to mention Chris should be coming down here to visit from New Jersey during that time anyway. Like I said, we'll have to see how it goes. Fate has been dealing me some very strange hands lately, the least of which was:

I'd forgotten that I'd scheduled Summer Welcome for Mizzou on June 20-21 and that Sara comes back from her trip to Italy and Greece on the 20th and I promised her I'd be at the airport to meet her. Now, I was going to call Mom to tell her to reschedule, but the day I was planning on telling her such, she called and said that Mizzou canceled that day. Apparently fate was one step ahead of me.

I miss her a ton, but I've gotten myself to deal with it. I seem to be at terms with it because I'll see her again quite soon and because I have faith in her and us. I miss having her in my arms, staring her in the eyes and all, but for some reason I really really miss her voice. There's something about the tone in her voice when she says things like "awww, boo" that's quite uplifting and heartwarming. Something in it that just makes me smile. I have to say that something's changed in me this year that I miss so dearly something like chit chat with someone. I have to continue to tell myself that I'll see her very soon now, only a day and a bit away.

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I'm still telling Kayla to go for it and call the guy simply to talk because her fear and seeming reluctance to call just drives her situation apart. (Not to mention they need to talk and get to know each other before anything else can happen. Talking works very well.) I left her by telling her to keep her chin up and not to be scared of her own feelings.

Funny when I think about it. I still find myself anxious when it comes to doing something with Sara. It's mostly that I never know of any good activities to be doing and that I'm not very conversational. But I'd been to the brink of anxiety, only to cast all of those fears and anxieties aside as I asked her out to prom. I didn't know what I was doing then, therefore the same unknowing shouldn't bother me now... Heh, I really need to take my own advice.

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*yawn*

I came to an observation of my own (and other people's) blogging habits and realized that once you remove angsty teenage bitching/contemplation and shit like that, there's not too much that's worth blogging about or bloggable except for "what I've been up to" (which people don't really care as much about), side topics (stuff better suited for conversation about anyway), or other forms of contemplation (romantic, political, sociological, economical). (Jeez, look at the content of this post.) And usually with those I also don't really have much of a will to write on it but on random nights like tonight. The era of having many posts a week (sometimes even several a day) has been long gone, heh.

What also amuses me is that most of the posts from that era are also highly irrelevant thoughts that are neither angsty, contemplative, or substantial in any serious context. Heh.

Ted: did you tell "the woman" about "the website"
Me: which "the website"?
Me: OH
Ted: yours you blubbering idiot
Me: I'd mentioned it before... But not really talked about it.
Ted: ok good
Ted: don't.
Ted: it's bad news bears.
Me: Duh.
Ted: excellent
Ted: you learned a valuable lesson
Me: After what happened before? Fuck yes I did.

Matt: seriously, i worry about this kid
Me: "I'm going to try and take a spanish this summer so i can get some more scholarship money,"
Me: WHAT THE FUCK
Matt: exactly
Me: He does EVERYTHING for the wrong reasons.
Matt: bingo
Me: It's like how you wanted to go not to rolla because you'd be miserable.
Me: He'd be like "i'm so going there."
Matt: LOL
Matt: this is how i see it. he's afraid of being bound by money for the rest of his life. so was i. but what he doesn't realize is that his constant obsession over not being bound by money leads him to be bound by money.
Matt: either way you end up unhappy
Me: that's the way i was about my future.
Me: there are a lot of things like that.
Matt: yeah
Me: i was worried about my future keeping me down. but the idea of the future and not the future itself began to tie me down.
Matt: exactly
Me: your problem stops being about the actual thing and becomes about the concept of the thing.
Matt: bingo
Me: the universe is weird like that.
Me: i don't understand how that makes sense still.
Matt: which is why i just gave up on the concept
Me: the idea of it vs. the acutal thing.
Matt: reminds me of catch-22
May 9, 2005permalinkshare

Neverending

I was sitting in my chair, dazed, staring off into the wall.

I'd stopped blogging. Started forcing myself into stepping into life, heh. I'd lost so much that I had nowhere to go but up and that I'd make myself get there.

I thought about the whole blog thing more and more. I thought about how the thing brought to life some thoughts that would've otherwise died at the back of my mind. Near the end of it all (the blog, my relationship), it only brought the conflict between emotion and logic, heart and mind, to a bitter end. It frustrated other people, especially Megan, to hear my passing thoughts, as low as they were. It killed my relationship, it killed me, it killed itself.

And is it worth bringing back and if so for what reason?

Upon reading Matt's blog moments ago, I'd stumbled upon beautiful insight: He's killing his blog, it's going down in a few days.

So here it is. This has something like 3 or so days to live. I dunno, I’m not counting.

Reasons.

What is this need to document every moment of your life? You kill a part of an experience when you document it. Even the greatest moments (which tend to be the smallest) should be left to only you. They should be left to only your memory. You rape things when you video tape or blog about EVERYTHING in your life. Let the moment go. Just experience it. Pictures are fine, but at some point you have to let go. Just enjoy what’s happening NOW, and don’t worry about how well you’ll remember it LATER. You will remember it, and you’ll remember it for being exactly as it was. Chances are, however, that if you’ve documenting it in some way you’re not paying attention to everything happening, making all of that pointless.

This was started for no reason, but it has served a purpose. I’m letting it go, just like all things have to be.

So get off your couch or chair, turn off the computer, and go do something worth remembering.

I'm having recurring memories of MSA and all the great stuff that went on way back then, of the months that followed--no amount of writing will make me cherish any more or less, no amount of writing will make anyone understand it more or less. No amount of writing will make me happier for what memories I keep. If I wasn't going to remember it in the first place, it's not worth keeping records of it anyway, right? You probably won't understand the intense surprise and pride and happiness in myself this week--that I approached a girl to ask her to prom, that days later I got her number and talked to her on the phone for nearly an hour and a half. That we've found more interesting things to do than play on the computer all day.

Back in the day, I'd only blog if it was wayyy late into the night and I didn't feel like sleeping (like tonight)--this was before it turned into the mind's addiction. There was the attempted profoundness, the questioning of many a thing, the talk of dreams and heart... But not a whole lot of bitching, not a whole record of life. Because in the long run, who cares?

Of course, you do. You're probably here looking for some diversion of your time, or some sort of entertainment, or maybe you want to know my story--what's up with me. The way the blog thus far played out in length is already a solid story for you--rediculously overanalytical guy contemplating about love gets into a relationship and falls through love's pitfalls. Something like that. The way I'd blogged left too many holes in my life story, though. I've followed Shannon's forever (since she had it on Diaryland) and it's interesting to me that it's turned into it's own story in my eyes. And that story continues to go on.

The blog's story and a part of who I was concluded about a month ago. Had to forge something new then. And then I found it's true--life can turn on a dime.

Do you see how much insight this post really has? Yes, I really have lost most of my overanalysis of the world.

But that's okay. It's a loss I've been willing to deal with.

I have a future to make.

lim (x → 18)

If you haven't noticed, I've been going lax on the blog. It's intentional.

So, I'll be 18 in a day and an hour...

I find it interesting to note that just this past week... Life itself has become a reflection of perhaps what I should focus on, what I should carry with me, now that my childhood (at least "childhood" defined by legal age) has completed it's course.

No, it's not quite literal learning (like school) nor those parental lectures (like sex talks). Nay, it's most directly connected to what I first sought when I started writing in this, when I was 15 years old (I think). It's that inward-thinking kind of thing, that "searching for oneself." Emotionalism, dealing with things, balancing life... This is maturity. I (and others) can act as mature or immature as we want, but what really counts is the internal maturity and how other people get in touch with that--and vice versa (you get in touch with others or something like that).

Anywhoo. The past week and weeks have been full of drama. (Really it was just February in general, and the past week was a runoff of that.) It's weird because all of a sudden friends of mine that I didn't think would ever act or feel like I'd been have the same problems that I'd had. In the past month, I've seen so much in other people's situations that I'd experienced before... Or if I hadn't, I'd somehow felt some sort of connection to it. (Another thing I've been getting better at more and more--relating to people.)

What I can relate to in others varies, sometimes situational, sometimes more internal trait-wise--indecision, laziness, bouts of apathy, overcaring, overemotionalizing, overanalyzing... Whereas when I started writing this blog I felt totally alienated because I'd observed that I was one of few people to think this way and feel this way, today I can declare the fact that I suppose we all are troubled by similar factors. It's just where these troubles come out and how they do so that changes.

Glenn in his total easygoingness has sort of turned into a role model for basically what I see as maturity--however, it might as well not be yet in his case, as he's not yet experienced a lot of issues. It's the idea of being totally undaunted by things and not showing the fact if you are. Being easy-going, doing what you need to though, totally not caring about drama and such. That's what he's talking about when he says "don't be white."

Fact is, Brenn, Matt, and Ted, pointed me into this direction without precisely knowing it. Megan pointed me this way directly, too.

Honestly, now that I look at it, it's so stupid to be so worked up about things... I talked with Megan for a while tonight on her front porch... We rarely talk at length about anything in particular, we rarely talk about serious things, and we rarely do it voice-to-voice (it's usually online). For innumerable reasons, I was just... happy after talking to her. I know that had she said the same things to me online, I wouldn't have gotten anything out of it except broken spirits--that is why I attest to the fact that you really do lose a lot when you lose voice and tone and touch. I wouldn't have really felt what she was saying--the same words are colder online than in real life. (Maybe why I'm always after hearing what she feels about me?)

Eh, whatever. This was nothing more than a rambling. I'm trying to edge away from that--I'm starting to keep my thoughts down privately when I do keep them now. I'm becoming more collected, keeping myself level, etc.

I promised I'd be going to sleep by midnight and you know, I'll do that.

Talking to her tonight was maybe the best thing I'd felt in a long time. It was more fulfilling than making out. It made our togetherness feel more intimate than having her say "I love you." Hell, maybe it makes sense?--for an overemotional and overthinking guy like me, maybe the best thing was to talk it out with all tranquil sweetness and the ease naturally came.

I'm slowing the pace of this blog down, if you haven't noticed. It'll be better this way.

G'nite.