Intensity

Intensity is the word this year because I've been bringing a lot of it. I've got an attitude like "no more bullshit, I'm getting things done." I've been working for real, instead of slacking off. I've been learning new things. I've gotten out more. I've been more brutally honest. Or maybe just more brutal. Confrontational. I seem to have lost some (or a lot?) of the restraint I had.

It's come to my attention this week that I'm prone to ranting again. That my verbal assaults are more piercing and drawn out than they'd been. I've had no less than five conversations this week in which I probably came down too hard (with one of truth, frustration, anger, or depression) on the ears that had the misfortune of being tuned to my voice.

Did I really just tell her that?

Did I really just go off on him?

Maybe it's all of this work that I'm trying to get done before school starts up again.

It sure isn't the alcohol because of my relative sobriety for most of these conversations and the fact that this hadn't happened before in similar circumstances.

Maybe it's just the culmination of a lot of things that have built up for weeks, months, and years for me.

Whatever the reason, I'm evidently more high-strung than I used to be.

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A year ago I sat at my favorite coffee shop with a few friends of mine, joking around about growing up and getting old. Joking around about that "bitter old man" stereotype.

"Maybe I’ll grow up to be bitter," I told them, "just to spite all of you."

I said this with the biggest, most amused smile on my face.

"Tigas, I can’t possibly picture you ever being bitter," one of them said. The tone in her voice as if I was winning the yearbook award for "Least Likely To Be A Bitter Old Man."

I was happy and fine then, in spite of the shit I'd been through. And I really can't tell you what's changed between then and now.

Every so often I hit these low points that seem completely unrelated to anything in my life. It's a nonsensical feeling along the lines of "not having a very good time" that pops up at random occasions when (as far as I know) most of what I've got and what I'm in the middle of is as good as I could ask for. Family, friends, work, school, it's all going pretty well right now -- and how often has that happened for me in the past what, four years?

And that's part of the reason I feel like I need change so much: especially with relation to how my life is going, I don't think I'm enjoying myself as much as I used to. I have a lot of what I want, but I don't seem to want what I have. It's like I don't really feel like myself in these places and circumstances anymore.

On and off for months I've become worried that (self-prophecy be damned) I'm turning jaded and bitter at the world.

Twelve days in and I'm already wondering what this year might turn out to be.

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I know I only wrote the vague feeling and the sense of these things and not any underlying reasons. This was intentional. And there are no guesses to reasons here, either. For everyone's sake, I'd rather thoughts like that usually stay off the record.