Note: I no longer blog here, and have not posted here since the mid 2010's. (😱) Please check out the homepage, which probably has links to more recent projects, photography, and (perhaps someday) writing.

lim (x → 18)

If you haven't noticed, I've been going lax on the blog. It's intentional.

So, I'll be 18 in a day and an hour...

I find it interesting to note that just this past week... Life itself has become a reflection of perhaps what I should focus on, what I should carry with me, now that my childhood (at least "childhood" defined by legal age) has completed it's course.

No, it's not quite literal learning (like school) nor those parental lectures (like sex talks). Nay, it's most directly connected to what I first sought when I started writing in this, when I was 15 years old (I think). It's that inward-thinking kind of thing, that "searching for oneself." Emotionalism, dealing with things, balancing life... This is maturity. I (and others) can act as mature or immature as we want, but what really counts is the internal maturity and how other people get in touch with that--and vice versa (you get in touch with others or something like that).

Anywhoo. The past week and weeks have been full of drama. (Really it was just February in general, and the past week was a runoff of that.) It's weird because all of a sudden friends of mine that I didn't think would ever act or feel like I'd been have the same problems that I'd had. In the past month, I've seen so much in other people's situations that I'd experienced before... Or if I hadn't, I'd somehow felt some sort of connection to it. (Another thing I've been getting better at more and more--relating to people.)

What I can relate to in others varies, sometimes situational, sometimes more internal trait-wise--indecision, laziness, bouts of apathy, overcaring, overemotionalizing, overanalyzing... Whereas when I started writing this blog I felt totally alienated because I'd observed that I was one of few people to think this way and feel this way, today I can declare the fact that I suppose we all are troubled by similar factors. It's just where these troubles come out and how they do so that changes.

Glenn in his total easygoingness has sort of turned into a role model for basically what I see as maturity--however, it might as well not be yet in his case, as he's not yet experienced a lot of issues. It's the idea of being totally undaunted by things and not showing the fact if you are. Being easy-going, doing what you need to though, totally not caring about drama and such. That's what he's talking about when he says "don't be white."

Fact is, Brenn, Matt, and Ted, pointed me into this direction without precisely knowing it. Megan pointed me this way directly, too.

Honestly, now that I look at it, it's so stupid to be so worked up about things... I talked with Megan for a while tonight on her front porch... We rarely talk at length about anything in particular, we rarely talk about serious things, and we rarely do it voice-to-voice (it's usually online). For innumerable reasons, I was just... happy after talking to her. I know that had she said the same things to me online, I wouldn't have gotten anything out of it except broken spirits--that is why I attest to the fact that you really do lose a lot when you lose voice and tone and touch. I wouldn't have really felt what she was saying--the same words are colder online than in real life. (Maybe why I'm always after hearing what she feels about me?)

Eh, whatever. This was nothing more than a rambling. I'm trying to edge away from that--I'm starting to keep my thoughts down privately when I do keep them now. I'm becoming more collected, keeping myself level, etc.

I promised I'd be going to sleep by midnight and you know, I'll do that.

Talking to her tonight was maybe the best thing I'd felt in a long time. It was more fulfilling than making out. It made our togetherness feel more intimate than having her say "I love you." Hell, maybe it makes sense?--for an overemotional and overthinking guy like me, maybe the best thing was to talk it out with all tranquil sweetness and the ease naturally came.

I'm slowing the pace of this blog down, if you haven't noticed. It'll be better this way.