Contemplation

Concert kicked ass. So bad.

Friday night was indeed quite the high. But on that note, Saturday was the hangover. I mean, maybe until 1pm I still had some energy and insanity in me from the prior evening. But heh, the rest of the day felt like I was dragging my body along. Mentally I was generally okay, but that didn't help me from zoning out when my body processes weren't feeling up to spec. But anyway.


What is it with people that captivates them to do stupid things? Fucking around--literally--or drinking/smoking or randomly stealing (and various other illegal acts) or driving fast and stupid? I mean, Megan (among others) bitches about this all the fucking time.

The question of the day was "Why the hell would you do something so stupid like moshing, where you could probably end up injured?" And many several things that more or less throw me on the level of moron, which I would GLADLY take and accept as my own responsibility for myself.

The vague idea I've had is that this stupid random stuff, stuff that's most normally defiant of common sense... It's in the feeling, not the logic. It's in the rush, the thrill of the moment. Certain people know the feeling where you're detached all of a sudden and nothing else matters. Cross Country runners speak of their "runners high" where you zone out and just run, without any regard for pain. I think it's something like that.

Sore as I am today (most of the soreness actually from standing around, not from the moshing), it was all worth it. What--so I risk my health and shit for a while. In my opinion, it's not that dangerous (especially at the Pageant where they're really locked down on things--security actually grabbed me by the chest because you aren't supposed to mosh not in the pit but a bunch of people were and I joined in). Er... Well, the risk itself is part of what makes it feel as it does. Jostling about in the midst of strangers to good music, practically taking flight as you go... Actually, I just feel like shutting up right now because this just doesn't cut it. It's stupid. But that rush of adrenaline is something that's not normally felt; and it feels pretty good.


It's possible to feel the emphasis of a kiss.

Tonight, saying goodbye, I guess I could say she um... was into it? (God, you have no idea how much hesitation comes with writing like this.) But as I said earlier, there's conflict in me. i.e. I read into everything and then there's the fact that I argue with myself interally over opposing viewpoints. It felt like she was more into it than usual... Was it just her feeling that way? Or was it a kiss out of sympathy or something? Or was it like, her being sorry for her saying/doing things today?

My lower lip was cut a tiny bit when I was moshing, and it's been hurting most of the day. Regardless of everything, it felt so good to have her kiss it better. Regardless of if she meant things that way or not, regardless of if she knew that I cut the lip.


Megan doesn't believe in love, so she won't use that word with me. She has so much trouble with expressing feelings that she just doesn't. When she does, she won't do it verbally because primarily her trouble is with that, it's more of a matter of actions.

I don't care if she doesn't call it love, but she likes me and her expression of that is I guess the fundamental part of relationships of young people. She relies more on action and feeling than words. Okay. Is it something that I don't believe I don't feel from her as much nowadays, except in cases where it's almost looking for sympathy?

But yet, I don't want to say it and would rather bite my tongue over it, lest I sound perverted or something. And just the same, I cannot bring myself to ask anyone to be anyone but themselves.

I mean, I wish I could feel from her more. She doesn't believe in love or anything. And there she goes, rambling about how much she loves Shanks, Koyasu, Lex Luthor, Draco Malfoy, oh and Viggo, too. Yes, I'm jealous. I don't hear her talking about me. She says she does, but not in front of me. I take her word for it with the issue that I often wonder what she says; I think of this as she goes on about Lex. But nay, I can't get any help from anyone.

Okay, so maybe she won't express her feelings for me verbally. Then well... Sometimes I want to feel from her more, then. Her arm around mine, or her hand on my chest, or her soft touch on my face. Or rubbing/massaging my shoulders and back--that's my favorite thing, heh, but I never want to ask because I hate asking favors of anyone.


Fact is, I know she feels for me, because she was concerned for me throughout the night. And besides, she was with her friends, so I shouldn't really fret about her words and actions there.

And there's the part where she ran up to me when I was watching Glenn play that ambulance game at SAFT, and where she ran up to me when I was playing chess with Glenn. Both cases involved her giving me a hug and a kiss and checking if I was alright, and unspoken words of concern about my feelings. It's just really bad that I was partially zoned out and negative feeling most of the time... She was really doing good, and it helped me a bit, but I don't know why I get like this/that.

We said goodbye as my car idled, doing it's automatic revving thing to warm itself up. (It does this really bad sounding thing where it revs up and down over and over for maybe 5 minutes until the oil/engine temperature is warm enough.) We said goodbye with a smile, the same old feelings of compassion as always.