In Defence

The entire ordeal came and went. Standing at the doorstep of another day, I ask myself, "why?"

I was a-okay. Was a-okay believing she felt the same. And then found out she didn't. Then took the about face and ran with it as far as I could go. Because when she cares, I care just as much or more. I suppose it's a folly, but when things like this don't happen it gives me a satisfaction to know that there's someone out there that I care for this much. So much, that it transcends my own feelings of self and moral. Indeed it is a folly, but the intentions are right.

I'll have to learn to not be so much like this.

Best Weekend Ever

I guess.

This whole weekend taught me that my life is changing faster than I can keep up.

I have to grow up. Childhood's over. I wasn't like everyone else until this weekend. Now I fit right in. Watched a movie with friends, went to a football game with some buddies, went to watch the World Series at a friend's house with a ton of people. And an accident that lowered the bar that I once stood at--I really am on most other people's level now, or getting close. I was the exception to the rule and now I'm not so sure. I betrayed myself, I betrayed her. In a sense.

It'd be easier for my life if I'd just picked one and stuck with it, instead of being a flipflop my entire life. Now I'm almost schizo where I can hear myself say both sides of the story and I don't know what ideal to pick. I wouldn't contemplate every single thing if I wasn't like this--or I wouldn't be like this if I didn't contemplate every single thing... If I picked one side of the spectrum and stuck to it, I wouldn't be torn and frustrated with myself.

Gotta grow up. The path forks ahead. Where do I go? One way street. Life contines to move. Eventually, my path will be made clear--that path is dependent on now.

This weekend proved: 1-I have a life. 2-Being an exception to the rule doesn't make you immune--things change.

MIT essay is about my world. How my life and everything in it shapes my dreams, aspirations, and future. This weekend has gotten me to the closest I've ever been to defining that. I'm ready.