Long and Rambly

I find that I want to rant really badly right now, because I'm terribly bored.

You know, I swear. I've totally gotten over Glenn poking a little fun at me going out with Megan. Apparantly, Marcie hasn't. Then again, Glenn's really really full of it. XD

It goes like this. We're shopping for clothes and a birthday present for Megan. So I'm looking around, and Marcie sees this pair of black pants with a chain that she really wants. I'm like "Sure, it looks cute," but Glenn's like "Yeah, he's saying that because it reminds him of Megan." And then she leaves it and he keeps talking about "Yeah, it wouldn't look right on you anyways because it reminds him of Megan." At first I really hated it, but recently, I've gotten used to laughing along with it. Because really, I know that he knows it's bullshit, and that he's not totally serious.

Anyways. I got into like, mental block lock with myself trying to figure out what I was gonna get Megan for her birthday. I picked out some earrings with a necklace, but they were $30 and weren't really that good anyways. So I left it. I was looking for some sort of cute/punk/funny t-shirt that'd be cool to give her. So basically, I spent a few hours at Jamestown Mall (which is the total suck of all malls I've ever been to) and only wound up with nothing. I'm really leaning towards the t-shirt now. (Hah, knowing my luck, and Murphy's Law, you're probably reading this before Wednesday.)

Speaking of which, I'm still dead set on going down to Fenton on Wednesday. If I didn't already explain—Thursday's her birthday, and Wednesday, I get out of school two hours early. Glenn's completely fine with me goign down, provided I bring him and he gets a chance to go to SAFT or play some import DDR in her basement. I'm happy with that, because I'm dead paranoid driving by myself.


Um, yeah. I've become more and more impulsive as time goes on. I'm still terribly shy, though. But if I've stalled something for long enough and time is running out, I break it down and go for it. Seriously, let me go over the story from Homecoming night. Here's a snippet from that blog entry I wrote which had fictionalization and poetic license all over it.

It was the end of the night. Homecoming was over, we were coming back to my house after the small afterparty at Marie's. We walked out from my car, and proceeded to the house. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulder. We were halfway there, still in the middle of walking, when I turned her head and gave her a short kiss. Out of nowhere. We didn't even stop walking.

She admitted to wanting to kiss me while at homecoming, and as we were cheek-to-cheek dancing, she'd inch her lips closer to mine then change her mind and back off at the last minute. (I was totally oblivious to this.) I'd been wanting to kiss her for a long time, but haven't found the will to do so, just because there wasn't a right time or place for it.

Walking back to the house, I figured it was the last chance I had to be with her (practically) alone, and I did it out of sheer impulse. All explanation, thought, and logic will never tell you what was going on in my mind and how it seriously came out of almost nowhere. But I can explain why I think I'm acting like this now.

Regrets. Mistakes in the past have haunted me for days or weeks. I really really don't want to fall into a downer for missing an opportunity for something so small. Remember hearing about back in March or April when I met up with Holly in South Carolina? Well, the moment when we were going to leave the park where we were seeing her. When we walked past each other, staring at each other. We both knew we wanted a hug. But noooo, I just walked by, and regretted it for weeks. I think it's best to act on an impulse when you honestly don't know if the other person is gonna react good or bad—if it's not really anything big and they don't like it, you could just apologize and never do it again to them. The reprecussions of not having even tried have been far worse in the past, than what could've been if I did. I really have to thank Holly for that, though.

And thus, I'm thankful for mistakes I've made, and regrets I've had. Without, I wouldn't be the person I am now. I'm also thankful for having things like MSA—I've learned that there really are people out there that are open to unique individuals like myself. With that experience, I've become more open myself, and I've really let myself go in these past few months. I care less what strangers think about me—to define a "good person" is totally subjective. I'm perfectly okay with the way I am—could be better, but I'm alive right now and not totally insane or suicidal. I'm good. There's always something worse. That's one of my personal mantras.

I'm insane as always. And yes, I'm fully aware that I'm becoming more softcore as time goes on. (You heard me, Chris.) Being completely angsty was too depressing. XD

I'm too different from the way I was a month ago. I'm exponentially more different the farther back you go. Just read my blog, and you'll see how I've gotten less angsty. Thing is, I'm still just as rambly and insane, and I'm still contemplating the same things over and over. What's changing are the reasons, opinions, and the results of that contemplation.

Life is weird shit.