Note: I no longer blog here, and have not posted here since the mid 2010's. (😱) Please check out the homepage, which probably has links to more recent projects, photography, and (perhaps someday) writing.

Shitness. I was in bed, trying to go to sleep, and then I had a thought hit me that I just had to write upon.

I think about her all the time, you know. I was thinking about when I saw her on Friday and stuff, and I was like "Yeah, get some sleep. Just remember what you're planning for the next few days--just remember what's important." What was that? I was thinking about the birthday present and just what I had planned.

Then another thought hit me--this is the one I'm expanding upon. Why was I so fixated on getting her a gift? Why did everything need to be perfect? What is it with me trying to make her happy all the time?

--Before my next move, let me quote this snippet, part from a chatlog part from a blog.

Chris: I'm gonna blog this convo, if you don't mind.
Me: Not a problem.
Chris: Because unlike some people, I try to consider how other people might feel if I did something like that.

Anyway, he has a blog as well and has this gay habit of frequently pasting what I IM him in his stupid entries, without even asking if I'm ok with it. This becomes a problem as I usually talk about personally stuff with him.


And now I continue my fine tradition of being open. Maybe I'll change my mind and remove it like the September 10 post. Or not. Right now, it's part of my point, and I'll keep it. If you read this sometime later, and find that this post isn't here, then you speak not a word--I've just changed my mind like I always do.

Megan: *I've been re-thinking the "love" thing
Megan: okay......this explaination is gonna be odd
Megan: don't take anything offensively
Megan: i'm not saying I'm in love with you, because I don't believe in love
Megan: but I can't think of any explaination for my girly girl, lets cuddle and talk about how much we adore each other, crap
Megan: its not something I do, I don't understand why I suddenly am
Megan: and I can't stop
Megan: //_-()
Megan: lol
Megan: I'd chalk it up to petty infatuation
Megan: but I'm kinda hoping its not just gonna be one of those things where we eventually just stop caring
Megan: I dunno.....I'm very anti-love...but I dunno what to

"But I can't think of any explanation". The question was "What is it with me trying to make her happy all the time?"

Love is like n/0 (divide by zero)--it's totally undefined, intangible, and impossible to grasp.

Long and Rambly

I find that I want to rant really badly right now, because I'm terribly bored.

You know, I swear. I've totally gotten over Glenn poking a little fun at me going out with Megan. Apparantly, Marcie hasn't. Then again, Glenn's really really full of it. XD

It goes like this. We're shopping for clothes and a birthday present for Megan. So I'm looking around, and Marcie sees this pair of black pants with a chain that she really wants. I'm like "Sure, it looks cute," but Glenn's like "Yeah, he's saying that because it reminds him of Megan." And then she leaves it and he keeps talking about "Yeah, it wouldn't look right on you anyways because it reminds him of Megan." At first I really hated it, but recently, I've gotten used to laughing along with it. Because really, I know that he knows it's bullshit, and that he's not totally serious.

Anyways. I got into like, mental block lock with myself trying to figure out what I was gonna get Megan for her birthday. I picked out some earrings with a necklace, but they were $30 and weren't really that good anyways. So I left it. I was looking for some sort of cute/punk/funny t-shirt that'd be cool to give her. So basically, I spent a few hours at Jamestown Mall (which is the total suck of all malls I've ever been to) and only wound up with nothing. I'm really leaning towards the t-shirt now. (Hah, knowing my luck, and Murphy's Law, you're probably reading this before Wednesday.)

Speaking of which, I'm still dead set on going down to Fenton on Wednesday. If I didn't already explain—Thursday's her birthday, and Wednesday, I get out of school two hours early. Glenn's completely fine with me goign down, provided I bring him and he gets a chance to go to SAFT or play some import DDR in her basement. I'm happy with that, because I'm dead paranoid driving by myself.

Um, yeah. I've become more and more impulsive as time goes on. I'm still terribly shy, though. But if I've stalled something for long enough and time is running out, I break it down and go for it. Seriously, let me go over the story from Homecoming night. Here's a snippet from that blog entry I wrote which had fictionalization and poetic license all over it.

It was the end of the night. Homecoming was over, we were coming back to my house after the small afterparty at Marie's. We walked out from my car, and proceeded to the house. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulder. We were halfway there, still in the middle of walking, when I turned her head and gave her a short kiss. Out of nowhere. We didn't even stop walking.

She admitted to wanting to kiss me while at homecoming, and as we were cheek-to-cheek dancing, she'd inch her lips closer to mine then change her mind and back off at the last minute. (I was totally oblivious to this.) I'd been wanting to kiss her for a long time, but haven't found the will to do so, just because there wasn't a right time or place for it.

Walking back to the house, I figured it was the last chance I had to be with her (practically) alone, and I did it out of sheer impulse. All explanation, thought, and logic will never tell you what was going on in my mind and how it seriously came out of almost nowhere. But I can explain why I think I'm acting like this now.

Regrets. Mistakes in the past have haunted me for days or weeks. I really really don't want to fall into a downer for missing an opportunity for something so small. Remember hearing about back in March or April when I met up with Holly in South Carolina? Well, the moment when we were going to leave the park where we were seeing her. When we walked past each other, staring at each other. We both knew we wanted a hug. But noooo, I just walked by, and regretted it for weeks. I think it's best to act on an impulse when you honestly don't know if the other person is gonna react good or bad—if it's not really anything big and they don't like it, you could just apologize and never do it again to them. The reprecussions of not having even tried have been far worse in the past, than what could've been if I did. I really have to thank Holly for that, though.

And thus, I'm thankful for mistakes I've made, and regrets I've had. Without, I wouldn't be the person I am now. I'm also thankful for having things like MSA—I've learned that there really are people out there that are open to unique individuals like myself. With that experience, I've become more open myself, and I've really let myself go in these past few months. I care less what strangers think about me—to define a "good person" is totally subjective. I'm perfectly okay with the way I am—could be better, but I'm alive right now and not totally insane or suicidal. I'm good. There's always something worse. That's one of my personal mantras.

I'm insane as always. And yes, I'm fully aware that I'm becoming more softcore as time goes on. (You heard me, Chris.) Being completely angsty was too depressing. XD

I'm too different from the way I was a month ago. I'm exponentially more different the farther back you go. Just read my blog, and you'll see how I've gotten less angsty. Thing is, I'm still just as rambly and insane, and I'm still contemplating the same things over and over. What's changing are the reasons, opinions, and the results of that contemplation.

Life is weird shit.

It's weird. I have to really think about blogging beforehand nowadays. I don't just randomly get on and start writing like I used to. I have to force my brain into a blogging thought pattern--you know, where it's all coherent, because I can't type when it isn't coherent.

Earlier today, I was getting mentally trapped in memories of yesterday afternoon. It was an unplanned trip, but it was all worth it. Every last moment, every detail that caught me--it's all playing in my head over and over and over..... Sitting, watching Berserk... (How could something like watching Berserk be a sappy moment? Why, the "all-purpose sappy music", that's how.) Playing DDR... Cuddling on the couch after playing DDR... Having to say goodbye...

See, I can't blog this as precisely as I want, because 1) I'm in such a sappy state of mind that it's not safe for me to come out to anyone in detail about it, and 2) because words can't describe it all.

I've been busy tinkering away with self-building my own Firebird build. Mozilla Firebird's a great browser, and I'd recommend it to anyone who's willing to give up IE for something a bit smoother. Compiling my own build makes it run a bit faster on my computer, and it makes sure I've got the most up-to-date stuff... But it's a bit tricky, since I've never even really touched C++ programming, ever. At least I don't really need to know the programming language. Anyways, I've optimized the browser with Pentium-4 stuffs that aren't even supposed to be possible with the compiler program I'm using. I found a workaroudn to the problems I was having, and whee... It's awesome. At least this is keeping my curiousity and attention span for a while. I bet in about 2 weeks, I won't be tinkering anymore, and it'll just be normal for me to automatically build my own builds--I'm already setting up an autobuild script, lol.

I do the most pointless things, I swear.

Anyways, I'm thinking of getting Megan... I dunno. I basically thought too hard about it and screwed every idea I had. So I'll probably end up with getting her a cool t-shirt from Hot Topic or Sam Goody or somewhere; Happy Bunny might work. I dunno. Well, I plan on seeing her on Wednesday already, even though it might not happen--oh well, I'm planning and dying to go anyways. I'll give her her gift and card then. (If not, then on Saturday.) I also plan to maybe, um, call her up on Thursday morning? I know I'm going all-out for this. This week's chock-full of reasons (*ahem* excuses) to go out of my way for her, and see her or stuff. So it's worth it. You know, the fact that making her happy and being around her makes me happy. So yeah.

I've been sidetracked by some fairly good conversation with Chris and Megan. So I'm done here.