Okay, for someone like me who has an overactive mind, with the voice in the head always talking, it's odd sometimes to get quiet moments. Yeah, I'm really big on thinking, but still--my mind goes blank sometimes.
When I cuddle with her, it's like that. You'd normally expect some sort of voice in my head saying some sort of cliche victorious comment like "Score!" or me yelling at myself in my head for every little mistake. But no. There's simply blankness when I'm in one of those moments. I think I'm too busy cherishing everything about it. That's gotta be it. Or, it's gotta do with how heavy emotional situations affect you more emotionally than your brain can logically interpret into normal words and thoughts. You know, you think in words, you think with a voice sorta. But when that voice in your head has a lack of words, you're left with the "feeling". Emotion. Or whatever it is that the brain does when logic and all our evolution boils down back into simplicity.
Um... Yeah. Anyways, blanking of mind sucks total ass, though, when you're really trying to get something done, or when you're just trying to converse.
Then again, when I am cuddling with her, I sometimes talk to myself a bit, but I don't exactly think with a train of thought. It's just conversational in my mind when I do that--"Should I reach out and hold her hand? Wrap my arm around her? Hm. Well, we're sitting here and there isn't anything else to do, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind...." Etc. Basic train of thought, plotting the next move as I go.
Literally, I don't ever plan what I'm gonna say or do really beforehand. It never works because I never remember it, or I change my mind. What I do is, I just plot it on the spot. Since I'm usually such a passive person, and such a perfectionist, acting on impulse shouldn't be natural for me. Well, I seem to pull it off well enough.
It was the end of the night. Homecoming was over, we were coming back to my house after the small afterparty at Marie's. We walked out from my car, and proceeded to the house. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulder. We were halfway there, still in the middle of walking, when I turned her head and gave her a short kiss. Out of nowhere. We didn't even stop walking.
I whispered, "Thanks for coming up and spending the evening with me."
She replied simply, "Thanks for having me."
It didn't really hit us until later, what happened. Aye, it caught both of us by surprise: her because she never saw it coming, me because I never thought about doing it until literally the moment I did it. We conversed over it some days later...
"A little longer next time?" she asks me. "So I can realize whats going on before I miss it?" She lets out a small laugh.
I responded, "Sure thing. We kinda were in the middle of walking..."
"Then stop, baka...." A grin.
"Next time, I swear." I smile, and the night continues.
Yeah. I'm in such a wishy-washy rambly mood. Like, I'm even alternating between several different writing styles that I frequently use. BTW--the above conversation is a dramatization of an online convo. Poetic license, I guess. I got bored and decided to do that, spur-of-the-moment.
You know, with all this business of me and Megan seeing each other and cuddling so much, you'd expect us to have our fill of warm moments (like cuddling) to tide us over until the next time we meet. But nooooo. Things don't work that way. I'm bothered even more by the absence of her near me, and I want to see her again even more. I'm guessing she feels the same way, too. We've been steadily seeing each other pretty much every two weeks (or less) since the beginning of August. It's still not fun to have to wait even a week. Time goes by so slowly when you're in anticipation--it's like a law of nature. At least we're fairly consistent with seeing each other; any inconsistencies only shorten the two weeks into a week or so.
Bleah. I really need some fucking sleep. I know it, everyone else in the world knows it.