Journal entry

Really, it's Sep.13 already. I'm writing this up as a late supplement.

I've not been blogging, because of a written journal I've started keeping. I'd love to end up uploading it, just not now. I've got a 60mb PDF file of it all scanned already. I don't feel like transcribing it all, though. Here's a couple good ones, though:


Sep.02.2003 10:54p

We know we're both thinking and sounding different now. It was weird when we both admitted it. We're not the love-ish romantic types, for sure.

Well, I've been under the weather with a little sore throat. Hoping to see the sun come out soon.

Still, to this moment, I'd rather be back there on Saturday. Right now, nothing to that point mattered as much, and not much after has. I think I've found a sort of significance to life.

It's gotten sooo old after telling everyone about Saturday. I almost forget the feeling. Then, I take a time out, imagine her in my arms, holding hands, talking in that dimly-lit gazebo.

It's so sappy it can't be me. You can't say it without sounding that way. It's like... At that moment, there was this comfortability and warmth all mixed with uncertainty and general shyiness or fear. At the Botanical Gardens--how much more romantic does it get?

Saturday, September 13. Septemberfest at my school. I already planned for it. Now I'm torn. We want to meet up with each other again.

Flipping through the MSA Notebook/Journal, I realized just now, how much I've written about love and why I write. Recap:

July 8, 10pm

  • "It's less of a public log of "what I'm doing" as much as a public showing of a private journal. Kurt Cobain's journal, Hitler's Mein Kampf, etc... They're all quite popular. If I ever impact the world years from now, will it matter to people what I was thinking about some dark, dreary evening? I don't care. My dad has a terrible memory of stuff earlier in the week. I wanna keep thoughts for posterity."

July 10, 12:41a

  • "(I've had 2 bottles of beer, and I should really be going to sleep right now.)

    "Love, I say, should be looked at vageuly. Not in solely the "love at first sight" sense or the romantic "true love" sense, but different levels of love, like caring for someone/something or being emotionally attached to someone/something."

July 12, 11pm

  • "Once again, let me say: I'm a dreamer. Even on short 30min car trips, I find myself zoning out and contemplating deeper things. (Most obvious example: love.)

    "Haven't experienced it, haven't really seen "true love", but I think the world needs more of this thing called "love". Does it even exist? How is it defined?"

July 31, 8:49am

  • "Anyway, love for me became these simple things. It's on a basic level, but I think it counts.
    1. Being comfortable around the person.
    2. Respect and a liking for the person.
    3. Mutual caring or commitment to each other. (i.e. the needs/services relationship system) Or, a wanting of each other. This caring is defined only by your own situation and yourselves. "Care" is defined by yourself--it's a terribly subjective word.
    4. The relationship isn't instant. It's harbored over time. If it's right, it gets better over time, like wine.
    "After figuring that, love doesn't seem so deep and mysterious, really. It's a lot of comfortability, confidence, respect, needs/wants/care, and personality..."

August 2, 2am

  • "This comes from someone who hasn't had a real "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship, ever. But I've observed enough, felt enough, heard enough, and thought enough about it, that I'm at least guessing. A bunch of my closest friends don't believe in love--zip, nada, zilch, zero, nothing. Some of them are even completely closing themselves off from even the chance that it exists. "It doesn't exist, I don't ever believe it'll happen, and I won't ever give into it (if it does)." On the other hand, I've got a friend who, over the summer whilst I was gone, found someone perfect for him, completely turning his life around. He's moving away pretty soon, and the thing just completey perfected his life...."

August 7, 3am

  • From the movie, "Adaptation":
    • "You are what you love. Not what loves you."
    "It's so awesome, brilliant, simple, and right. Think about it for a while. You know the kind of thing where people keep apologizing for some mistake or shortcoming, a mistake or such that you didn't even notice until it was brought up? Or where you try your hardest to be helpful and friendly, but no one pays any attention to it, and then finally someone tells you that they like what you're doing? If you keep on going on doing what you like/love, and just follow your own path, someone, I believe, should be out there that will appreciate it..."

Pure irony, that the more I thought of it, the more I never believed I'd have something like it at this point in my life. Right now, I'm matching my definition of love, to what I've been thinking as of late, to Merriam-Webster's definition...

My Definition on July 31

  1. Being comfortable around the person.
  2. Respect and a liking for the person.
  3. Mutual caring or commitment to each other. (i.e. the needs/services relationship system) Or, a wanting of each other. This caring is defined only by your own situation and yourselves. "Care" is defined by yourself--it's a terribly subjective word.
  4. The relationship isn't instant. It's harbored over time. If it's right, it gets better over time, like wine.

Merriam-Webster's Definition (only related ones):

(as a noun)

  1. (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties "maternal love for a child" (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests "love for his old schoolmates"
  2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion "love of the sea"
  3. the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration "baseball was his first love"
  4. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others

(as a verb)

  1. to hold dear : CHERISH
  2. a : to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1) : CARESS (2) : to fondle amorously (3) : to copulate with
  3. to like or desire actively : take pleasure in "loved to play the violin"
  4. to thrive in "the rose loves sunlight"