Written on July 15, on the MSA03 messageboard.
For the past month or so, I've been keeping a journal, because I used to blog before MSA, but I've been at MSA and traveling recently. Um. Yeah.
Anyway, I wrote a little thing about love.
I know it's as debatable as religion. It's got the same flawed logic of blind faith. But it's my blind faith.
I'm not gonna quote that entire journal thing, just kinda make key points and sum it up. I kinda wrote it up one night after having a couple beers, and playing Diablo 2 for a while. Was in bed, bored, had nothing else to do, so I started writing, and eventually out came this pretty coherent thing. (Ramblings usually end up like that for me. Usually, not always.)
I say I'm a dreamer. A realistic thinker, who yet dreams of some other deeper thoughts.
In the journal, I say, "Love should be looked at vaguely. Not in solely the 'love at first sight' sense or the 'true love' sense, but love like caring for something/someone or being emotionally attached to something/someone."
- "In any game or sport. If you get on the court/field or in the game, and in the course of the event, you suddenly act like a different person, full of rage, power, energy, vigor, or what have you, that is a general level of love for the game or the team or yourself."
- "If there's an object that when you see it, some memory or thought of significance comes to mind, or that when you're supposed to, you can't bear to part with it, you have love for the object or the thing(s) you associate with it."
- "People in the case of number 2. People who affect you so deeply that you would be deeply changed and troubled if something grave happened to them. For family or long time acquaintances, it's mainly grown from unconditional love."
- "Groups of people in the #3 sense. You can love a group of people as a single entity. Like a sports team. A class. A group of friends. (Your house. MSA people in general. ^^)"
I kinda slept on it after that, and started up writing a couple days after.
"Haven't experienced true love. Haven't really seen it. I think we as a world need it. But does it even exist?
"I know I love my family. That's unconditional. I love the comedy and company of my friends. That's somewhat attributed to social need and appreciation.
"But it's weird when I look for that true relationship thing. I haven't even seen it exist with my own eyes. It's probably one of those impossibly hard to observe physical phenomena like black hole hawking radiation or something. ^^''''
"This is the teenage point where I'm not sure about my feelings for some people. But I'm contemplating it constantly, trying to make sense of things."
I'll cut it off there. Eh.... Damn. Now that I look back on it, writing out contemplations makes me sound WAYYY too scientific or something.
My best friend says he doesn't believe in love. But I dunno. He's way to scientific/logical/robotic or something. It's hard to explain. To me, he lacks "heart". His enthusiasm feels off. He's not very social for simply being social. He sleeps 3-6 hours a day, but seems to have more awakenness than everyone else. He uses almost all of his freetime on MUD channels around the net. He's way stubborn, and "whatever" is his main reply to a lot of criticism. He's trying to be an artist, and his drawings are great technical-wise, but the real human feel of it isn't there. (He won't ever show me a sketch, even though I tell him that in most cases, lines when you're sketching are smoother than drawing it straight out.)
He promised himself he'd never get married. Partly because he's going to be a neurosurgeon and spend a lot of time on that, but the other reason is that he "doesn't want to spend money on anyone else" and he says he'll use the extra cash on video and computer games. Wonderful.
I dunno. I want to do something significant with my life. Leave a mark somewhere in history, or touch some lives, or just go find myself some frontiers to explore. Or at least I want to feel like I've done _something_ rather than just be born->live->work->die, with nothing to show for a whole life. I'm rediculously woozy now, and it's 3:20am. I want something deeper. Is all.
My personal theme song for this year has been Evanescence's "Bring Me To Life", although the massive radio play makes me tire of the song. The general premise of the song still hasn't faded, though. I like the lyrics. I won't paste 'em all here, because 1) I'm tired, and 2) this is long enough. I associated my New Years Resolution of improving my life, particularly my social life, with that song. I associate songs with stuff. And it's still fitting perfectly.
Don't let me die here. There must be something more. Bring me to life.
Now I sleep. For like 15 hours.