Shitness. I was in bed, trying to go to sleep, and then I had a thought hit me that I just had to write upon.

I think about her all the time, you know. I was thinking about when I saw her on Friday and stuff, and I was like "Yeah, get some sleep. Just remember what you're planning for the next few days--just remember what's important." What was that? I was thinking about the birthday present and just what I had planned.

Then another thought hit me--this is the one I'm expanding upon. Why was I so fixated on getting her a gift? Why did everything need to be perfect? What is it with me trying to make her happy all the time?

--Before my next move, let me quote this snippet, part from a chatlog part from a blog.

Chris: I'm gonna blog this convo, if you don't mind.
Me: Not a problem.
Chris: Because unlike some people, I try to consider how other people might feel if I did something like that.

Anyway, he has a blog as well and has this gay habit of frequently pasting what I IM him in his stupid entries, without even asking if I'm ok with it. This becomes a problem as I usually talk about personally stuff with him.


And now I continue my fine tradition of being open. Maybe I'll change my mind and remove it like the September 10 post. Or not. Right now, it's part of my point, and I'll keep it. If you read this sometime later, and find that this post isn't here, then you speak not a word--I've just changed my mind like I always do.

Megan: *I've been re-thinking the "love" thing
Megan: okay......this explaination is gonna be odd
Megan: don't take anything offensively
Megan: i'm not saying I'm in love with you, because I don't believe in love
Megan: but I can't think of any explaination for my girly girl, lets cuddle and talk about how much we adore each other, crap
Megan: its not something I do, I don't understand why I suddenly am
Megan: and I can't stop
Megan: //_-()
Megan: lol
Megan: I'd chalk it up to petty infatuation
Megan: but I'm kinda hoping its not just gonna be one of those things where we eventually just stop caring
Megan: I dunno.....I'm very anti-love...but I dunno what to

"But I can't think of any explanation". The question was "What is it with me trying to make her happy all the time?"

Love is like n/0 (divide by zero)--it's totally undefined, intangible, and impossible to grasp.

Long and Rambly

I find that I want to rant really badly right now, because I'm terribly bored.

You know, I swear. I've totally gotten over Glenn poking a little fun at me going out with Megan. Apparantly, Marcie hasn't. Then again, Glenn's really really full of it. XD

It goes like this. We're shopping for clothes and a birthday present for Megan. So I'm looking around, and Marcie sees this pair of black pants with a chain that she really wants. I'm like "Sure, it looks cute," but Glenn's like "Yeah, he's saying that because it reminds him of Megan." And then she leaves it and he keeps talking about "Yeah, it wouldn't look right on you anyways because it reminds him of Megan." At first I really hated it, but recently, I've gotten used to laughing along with it. Because really, I know that he knows it's bullshit, and that he's not totally serious.

Anyways. I got into like, mental block lock with myself trying to figure out what I was gonna get Megan for her birthday. I picked out some earrings with a necklace, but they were $30 and weren't really that good anyways. So I left it. I was looking for some sort of cute/punk/funny t-shirt that'd be cool to give her. So basically, I spent a few hours at Jamestown Mall (which is the total suck of all malls I've ever been to) and only wound up with nothing. I'm really leaning towards the t-shirt now. (Hah, knowing my luck, and Murphy's Law, you're probably reading this before Wednesday.)

Speaking of which, I'm still dead set on going down to Fenton on Wednesday. If I didn't already explain—Thursday's her birthday, and Wednesday, I get out of school two hours early. Glenn's completely fine with me goign down, provided I bring him and he gets a chance to go to SAFT or play some import DDR in her basement. I'm happy with that, because I'm dead paranoid driving by myself.

Um, yeah. I've become more and more impulsive as time goes on. I'm still terribly shy, though. But if I've stalled something for long enough and time is running out, I break it down and go for it. Seriously, let me go over the story from Homecoming night. Here's a snippet from that blog entry I wrote which had fictionalization and poetic license all over it.

It was the end of the night. Homecoming was over, we were coming back to my house after the small afterparty at Marie's. We walked out from my car, and proceeded to the house. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulder. We were halfway there, still in the middle of walking, when I turned her head and gave her a short kiss. Out of nowhere. We didn't even stop walking.

She admitted to wanting to kiss me while at homecoming, and as we were cheek-to-cheek dancing, she'd inch her lips closer to mine then change her mind and back off at the last minute. (I was totally oblivious to this.) I'd been wanting to kiss her for a long time, but haven't found the will to do so, just because there wasn't a right time or place for it.

Walking back to the house, I figured it was the last chance I had to be with her (practically) alone, and I did it out of sheer impulse. All explanation, thought, and logic will never tell you what was going on in my mind and how it seriously came out of almost nowhere. But I can explain why I think I'm acting like this now.

Regrets. Mistakes in the past have haunted me for days or weeks. I really really don't want to fall into a downer for missing an opportunity for something so small. Remember hearing about back in March or April when I met up with Holly in South Carolina? Well, the moment when we were going to leave the park where we were seeing her. When we walked past each other, staring at each other. We both knew we wanted a hug. But noooo, I just walked by, and regretted it for weeks. I think it's best to act on an impulse when you honestly don't know if the other person is gonna react good or bad—if it's not really anything big and they don't like it, you could just apologize and never do it again to them. The reprecussions of not having even tried have been far worse in the past, than what could've been if I did. I really have to thank Holly for that, though.

And thus, I'm thankful for mistakes I've made, and regrets I've had. Without, I wouldn't be the person I am now. I'm also thankful for having things like MSA—I've learned that there really are people out there that are open to unique individuals like myself. With that experience, I've become more open myself, and I've really let myself go in these past few months. I care less what strangers think about me—to define a "good person" is totally subjective. I'm perfectly okay with the way I am—could be better, but I'm alive right now and not totally insane or suicidal. I'm good. There's always something worse. That's one of my personal mantras.

I'm insane as always. And yes, I'm fully aware that I'm becoming more softcore as time goes on. (You heard me, Chris.) Being completely angsty was too depressing. XD

I'm too different from the way I was a month ago. I'm exponentially more different the farther back you go. Just read my blog, and you'll see how I've gotten less angsty. Thing is, I'm still just as rambly and insane, and I'm still contemplating the same things over and over. What's changing are the reasons, opinions, and the results of that contemplation.

Life is weird shit.

It's weird. I have to really think about blogging beforehand nowadays. I don't just randomly get on and start writing like I used to. I have to force my brain into a blogging thought pattern--you know, where it's all coherent, because I can't type when it isn't coherent.

Earlier today, I was getting mentally trapped in memories of yesterday afternoon. It was an unplanned trip, but it was all worth it. Every last moment, every detail that caught me--it's all playing in my head over and over and over..... Sitting, watching Berserk... (How could something like watching Berserk be a sappy moment? Why, the "all-purpose sappy music", that's how.) Playing DDR... Cuddling on the couch after playing DDR... Having to say goodbye...

See, I can't blog this as precisely as I want, because 1) I'm in such a sappy state of mind that it's not safe for me to come out to anyone in detail about it, and 2) because words can't describe it all.

I've been busy tinkering away with self-building my own Firebird build. Mozilla Firebird's a great browser, and I'd recommend it to anyone who's willing to give up IE for something a bit smoother. Compiling my own build makes it run a bit faster on my computer, and it makes sure I've got the most up-to-date stuff... But it's a bit tricky, since I've never even really touched C++ programming, ever. At least I don't really need to know the programming language. Anyways, I've optimized the browser with Pentium-4 stuffs that aren't even supposed to be possible with the compiler program I'm using. I found a workaroudn to the problems I was having, and whee... It's awesome. At least this is keeping my curiousity and attention span for a while. I bet in about 2 weeks, I won't be tinkering anymore, and it'll just be normal for me to automatically build my own builds--I'm already setting up an autobuild script, lol.

I do the most pointless things, I swear.

Anyways, I'm thinking of getting Megan... I dunno. I basically thought too hard about it and screwed every idea I had. So I'll probably end up with getting her a cool t-shirt from Hot Topic or Sam Goody or somewhere; Happy Bunny might work. I dunno. Well, I plan on seeing her on Wednesday already, even though it might not happen--oh well, I'm planning and dying to go anyways. I'll give her her gift and card then. (If not, then on Saturday.) I also plan to maybe, um, call her up on Thursday morning? I know I'm going all-out for this. This week's chock-full of reasons (*ahem* excuses) to go out of my way for her, and see her or stuff. So it's worth it. You know, the fact that making her happy and being around her makes me happy. So yeah.

I've been sidetracked by some fairly good conversation with Chris and Megan. So I'm done here.

Okay, for someone like me who has an overactive mind, with the voice in the head always talking, it's odd sometimes to get quiet moments. Yeah, I'm really big on thinking, but still--my mind goes blank sometimes.

When I cuddle with her, it's like that. You'd normally expect some sort of voice in my head saying some sort of cliche victorious comment like "Score!" or me yelling at myself in my head for every little mistake. But no. There's simply blankness when I'm in one of those moments. I think I'm too busy cherishing everything about it. That's gotta be it. Or, it's gotta do with how heavy emotional situations affect you more emotionally than your brain can logically interpret into normal words and thoughts. You know, you think in words, you think with a voice sorta. But when that voice in your head has a lack of words, you're left with the "feeling". Emotion. Or whatever it is that the brain does when logic and all our evolution boils down back into simplicity.

Um... Yeah. Anyways, blanking of mind sucks total ass, though, when you're really trying to get something done, or when you're just trying to converse.

Then again, when I am cuddling with her, I sometimes talk to myself a bit, but I don't exactly think with a train of thought. It's just conversational in my mind when I do that--"Should I reach out and hold her hand? Wrap my arm around her? Hm. Well, we're sitting here and there isn't anything else to do, and I'm sure she wouldn't mind...." Etc. Basic train of thought, plotting the next move as I go.

Literally, I don't ever plan what I'm gonna say or do really beforehand. It never works because I never remember it, or I change my mind. What I do is, I just plot it on the spot. Since I'm usually such a passive person, and such a perfectionist, acting on impulse shouldn't be natural for me. Well, I seem to pull it off well enough.

It was the end of the night. Homecoming was over, we were coming back to my house after the small afterparty at Marie's. We walked out from my car, and proceeded to the house. I had my arm wrapped around her shoulder. We were halfway there, still in the middle of walking, when I turned her head and gave her a short kiss. Out of nowhere. We didn't even stop walking.

I whispered, "Thanks for coming up and spending the evening with me."

She replied simply, "Thanks for having me."


It didn't really hit us until later, what happened. Aye, it caught both of us by surprise: her because she never saw it coming, me because I never thought about doing it until literally the moment I did it. We conversed over it some days later...

"A little longer next time?" she asks me. "So I can realize whats going on before I miss it?" She lets out a small laugh.

I responded, "Sure thing. We kinda were in the middle of walking..."

"Then stop, baka...." A grin.

"Next time, I swear." I smile, and the night continues.

Yeah. I'm in such a wishy-washy rambly mood. Like, I'm even alternating between several different writing styles that I frequently use. BTW--the above conversation is a dramatization of an online convo. Poetic license, I guess. I got bored and decided to do that, spur-of-the-moment.

You know, with all this business of me and Megan seeing each other and cuddling so much, you'd expect us to have our fill of warm moments (like cuddling) to tide us over until the next time we meet. But nooooo. Things don't work that way. I'm bothered even more by the absence of her near me, and I want to see her again even more. I'm guessing she feels the same way, too. We've been steadily seeing each other pretty much every two weeks (or less) since the beginning of August. It's still not fun to have to wait even a week. Time goes by so slowly when you're in anticipation--it's like a law of nature. At least we're fairly consistent with seeing each other; any inconsistencies only shorten the two weeks into a week or so.

Bleah. I really need some fucking sleep. I know it, everyone else in the world knows it.

Crazy Weekend Part Duex

I stared up at the sky, as I walked down the street. Not a cloud in sight. The stars were as plentiful as they could be in this bright suburban environment. My lucky stars were out tonight. I thanked them, as I turned to see the Jeep driving past, and then I waved goodbye. I quickened my pace and headed to the afterparty with a half-grin on my face.

I'm too tired to give a real good account of it all. I don't really even wanna bother. Just let it be known that I liked Homecoming because the dance ended up being better than I expected, and that I had a good night with Megan. (I hate dances--last one I went to was in 7th or 8th grade.) And let it be known, that prior to this point, I really didn't think it was possible to turn every single song (rap, techno, rap, rap, gangsta rap, and slow dancing music) into a slow dance song. That and the song Sandstorm isn't highly appreciated by the DJs anymore.

In the words of Celebrity Deathmatch, "Good Fight, Good Night."